You Don't Know What To Do
by blindspotpainter
Summary: Edward leaves Bella in New Moon and never returns. In her sophomore year of college, she runs into him again. But he has changed . . .
1. Prologue

_SM owns all things Twilight. Just like life, this is rated M._

_This is my first fanfiction, I've been lurking around reading fanfiction for about 6 months without reviewing or writing anything. I've finally gotten up the courage to do both, so here goes. I'd love to hear what you think. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention my favorite stories, the ones that were so good I stayed up all night reading them. _

Worst of Weather/Rose Like Thunder – _yellowglue_

How to Save a Life – 

Dark Cravings – _readingtime_

Empty Panes and Pretty Things – _AydenMorgan_

_The title comes from a Lightning Seed song in the movie Clueless. I guess you can tell when I went to high school. The prologue is different from the rest of the story, so please don't give up on me until you read through the first chapter._

**You Don't Know What To Do, So You Do Anything You Like**

Summary: Edward leaves Bella in New Moon and never returns. In her sophomore year of college, she runs into him again. But he has changed . . .

Prologue

In the last few months, he had tracked rumors and ghosts across eighteen countries and three continents, sometimes staying weeks and other times mere hours, until a clue sent him richocheting to another corner of the globe. He ignored his thirst recklessly. He ignored his memories, the pain of leaving, and the agony of staying away. When he arrived at last at a decrepit mansion on the outskirts of Rio, his face was sunken, and the purplish bruises under his eyes had turned almost black. Although the night was so dark that even his vampire eyes struggled to make out the front porch steps, no light escaped from the windows or doors of the house. The door opened in front of him before he had even lifted his hand to knock, and a pale figure in a dark cloak towered over him. She was over six feet tall, but so thin and willowy that she seemed to sway with every slight breeze.

She looked at him dispassionately for a few moments, her yellow eyes not bothering to focus on his, and when she spoke her voice sounded almost bored. "What have you come here for pretty one? Are you here to die?" She did not seem to be threatening, so much as pointing out an inevitable outcome.

He told her what he wanted, and she looked at him with calculation.

"What are you offering?"

"What do you want? Money?" She stared steadily at him, not bothering to answer. "Services? I have some special abilities that might interest you."

She looked nonplussed. _Why do they always think I'm going to be impressed with a little heavy lifting and how fast he can errands. Maybe he can go 10 minutes without talking about how thirsty he is, that would be a special ability for a vam—_

" I never mention how thirsty I am," Edward interrupted her thoughts, his lips quirking upward in a weak shadow of his signature crooked smile. 

She started and looked sharply at him. Her indifference fell away as she realized what he had done, and a salacious grin spread slowly across her cruel features.

" I think perhaps I am interested in your abilities. But I am so terribly forgetful about returning things that I borrow, I prefer to purchase outright. Would you be willing to trade your gift to me forever?"

"Yes."

The grin of her wasted lips grew wider still. "No hesitation? My dear little blooddrinker, is there anything that you would not be willing to give?"

He stood silently in answer, she could find out his limits, or lack thereof easily enough by starting to refuse him, so it was pointless to bluff.

She expelled her breath in smug satisfaction, like the devil blowing on the ink of Faust's signature.

"I will do it foolish young one. But you won't find out the payment I have chosen until it is done." _And maybe not even then_.

He hesitated slightly, doubt seeping into the hope that had filled him at her quick assent. Her mind was unusually difficult to read, and he seemed to only pick up bits and pieces. Or maybe he just didn't want to know the price, since he had already decided to pay it. "But whatever you take, you will only take from me? Not from my family or from . . . anyone else?"

"Yes my sweet vampire, whatever I take belongs to you alone."

Edward nodded his head once, stepped through the doorway, and disappeared into the dark.

_Questions? Concerns? Reviews? _


	2. The Second Worst Day of the Year

**The Second Worst Day of the Year**

BPOV

I woke up on Saturday with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, but it took a moment to remember why. Oh yeah. My birthday. How could I already be twenty, when I'd never wanted to see the end of seventeen? I'd always vaguely disliked my birthday, uncomfortable with the expectation to feel different, the pressure to have fun. The only day worse now, was the day after my birthday. The day _he _had left, disappearing without a backward glance. "It will be as if I never existed," he'd said, his voice still sweet and velvety even as it broke my heart. What a liar he was. It was me who no longer existed.

I didn't know anyone at school my first semester, and I'd spent my last birthday alone. The University of Texas was plenty big enough to get lost in, if you were so inclined. But somehow after awhile I'd stopped just being depressed and empty. I was depressed and empty and . . . bored. I was so bored I'd let Mike take my virginity over Christmas break, since it seemed so important to him. Explaining to him why I didn't want to do it again had been awkward, considering I hadn't really wanted to do it the first time.

I hadn't slept with anyone since, but I had addressed the boredom issue by making some friends. I'd met Alice in an animal biology class in the spring. We'd been the only ones to find the lectures incredibly funny. I mean, there were birds that couldn't tell what size something was, so they thought anything round and white was an egg. They would seriously try to incubate a soccer ball. That shit was hilarious. To me and Alice at least.

Alice was tiny and hyper, and she was almost always smiling. But she wasn't happy. She was so smart, but school just killed her. Every day getting up for class and getting herself to campus was a battle. Every day forcing herself to sit down and do her homework was a struggle. And she actually had a goal in mind (she wanted to go into fashion merchandising). I can't imagine how she would have fared if, like me, she was just going to college because she really didn't know what else to do with herself. Her boyfriend Jasper was sweet and Southern (and gorgeous), and he was more stable. Even though he was only a freshman, he always ended up taking care of her.

There was no way to explain to Alice that I couldn't really celebrate my birthday, couldn't happily mark another year pulling me farther away from seventeen, where Edward would always stay. I couldn't disappoint her when she was so excited to take me out. At least I had lucked out this year with a single room assignment, so I didn't have to face anyone for a few hours. By the time Alice came to pick me up I'd managed to work up a small measure of enthusiasm for our night out, going to our favorite bar to check out a new band Jasper had heard about. "Bella. I know you are not planning on wearing that out." Alice said as soon as I answered the door.

"What?" I said, glancing down at my jeans, Flaming Lips t-shirt, and Converse sneakers.

"Yeah, what, my sentiments exactly. Luckily, I brought your present with me!" Alice exclaimed musically, bouncing up and down. Uh-oh, Alice's taste tended to be a little . . . flashier than mine. She did have the body for it, if I had her incredibly smooth skin and slinky curves, I'd probably want to show it off a little too. Her collection cleavage-bearing dresses and v-neck tops managed to make her look adorable and sexy at the same time. Her habit of excitedly bouncing up and down in them tended to slow the minds of males of all ages, which was a bad combo considering the speed she talked at. She seemed used to repeating herself.

I reached into the tissue paper and came up with a slinky black and gold top with a draped neckline that looked like it would fall to my belly button.

"There's more!" Alice said, practically jumping up and down. I reached in again and this time came up with a pair of black fuck-me heels with Roman style leather straps criss-crossing all the way up and around the ankle.

I changed into my new outfit in the bathroom, and I had to admit, I looked pretty good. I hadn't really realized the full extent of it until I saw myself in more revealing clothes, but my figure had changed some over the past couple of years. Which was a damn waste. My chest was fuller, and the curve of my hips was more pronounced. The new shoes made my legs look longer and sexier, and they made my butt look fantastic. I smiled wryly at myself in the mirror and leaned in. "See. You can do this." I whispered, shaking my head to forget the sudden urgent, useless wish that Edward could see me. Maybe it would be easier to forget in a few years, once I really was too old for him and it really was too late for him to come back. I had an ongoing debate with myself about what age the drop dead line really was. Not that it mattered. Edward had a new life, and probably a new name now, and I doubted whether he would even remember whether he met me in Forks or Juno. All those decades of high school had to run together a bit. Choosing a sunny place like Austin, where he could only live a half life, was an act of defiance. Knowing I would never find him, I refused to chase him, even a little bit by going to school somewhere he might pick. I'm not sure if it was a final act of pride in case he was watching, or if I just couldn't bear to admit to myself that I was still hoping for him to come back. It was marginally easier to tamp down the unwanted rushes of expectation when the sun was brightly shining, it was rainy days when I saw him under every umbrella and whipped around at every passing silver car.

Alice and Jasper both grinned when I came back into the room. "Hey Bells, you look cute as a bug's ear," Jasper said as though delivering a compliment. I furrowed my brow and shot a side-long glance at Alice. What? She just shrugged and rolled her eyes. "I don't know. It's endearing." Jasper didn't bother asking us what we were talking about, he was used to our half aloud conversations and used to ignoring them.

The bar was already pretty crowded when we got there, and by the time Jasper went to get us a second round of drinks we were packed shoulder to shoulder. Before Edward left me staring into the abyss where my life used to be, I thought that people in high school were just drinking to be cool, or to rebel against their parents, or to have an excuse for casual sex. I wish someone had told me earlier how great it is. I mean, why did all the teen drinking and teen drug use commercials act like peer pressure was the main temptation? No one mentioned in those ads what a relief it was to stop thinking for a few hours. No one told me how soothing it was to have just a few moments not being quite yourself, of not having to listen to yourself thinking the same stupid thoughts over and over again. Unfortunately tonight was my birthday, so distraction was going to be more difficult than usual. I started humming the Beatles song "Birthday" in my head, trying to clear my head of useless memories.

You say it's your birthday!

_Drink. _

Gonna have a good time!

_Drink. Drink. _

Edward doesn't love you and he never did!

_Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink._

When the band finally came on, the audience went wild, probably more from excitement to get things moving than from excitement over a local band. I couldn't see the stage, even though we were only a few feet from it, a wall of oversized guys towered in front of me. The music more than compensated for the cramped conditions though, the band really was talented. They played some of my favorite songs by Train, the Flaming Lips, and the Ramones. Then they performed some of their own songs, finally wrapping up the set with a sped up ska version of the Pointer Sisters' song "Fire" that came off excellently against all odds.

_I say I don't love you,_

I looked at Alice with glee at the song choice and she rolled her eyes. She had more than once asserted that I was the only one who still listened the Pointer Sister and their ridiculous rhyme schemes.

_But you know I'm a liar,_

Alice wrapped her slender arms around my waist and sang into my ear.

_Because when we kiss, ooohhh, fire!_

And then the wall of fans in front of me parted, allowing me to see the stage for the first time since the band arrived. And I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. My eyes went wide and wild, and my hands trembled. I could almost hear the shattering of my already broken heart into a thousand tiny pieces. Because the guitarist nearest my side of the stage was tall and pale, with thick, bronze hair in gorgeous disarray. His fingers were slender and strong, and his forearms were pale and tautly muscled. With dread I forced my eyes to his face, and stared upon the perfectly carved features that haunted my painfully hopeful dreams and waking nightmare.

Edward.

Here. In Texas. I stared at him with my mouth open, blood roaring in my ears. His eyes met mine for a second, and without a flicker passed over to scan the rest of the crowd. The room went spotty and darkness rose from the floor and pulled me down, giving some detached processor in my brain just time to note that there was something slightly wrong about his face, before I went out cold.

When I woke my sweaty cheek was pressed flat against cool concrete and it was much quieter. The sidewalk was deliciously cold and comforting, and I wondered why I didn't do this more often. I could hear my friends debating about what to do next, but it was difficult to move. Then I heard the word hospital and quickly roused myself to protest.

"No! No, I'm fined you guys," I didn't feel drunk anymore, but when I spoke my words slurred.

"Christ Bella, you scared us," Jasper exclaimed. "Come on, let's get you home. Man, you go from drunk to wasted faster than kudzu." Alice and I looked at each other and decided to let that one slide.

Of course I couldn't sleep after they dropped me off. My nerves were jangling like a live wire, and I was still too intoxicated to sort out my thoughts. I lay in bed while the room heaved and my mind ran in useless circles, trying to figure out what happened tonight, still trying to figure out what happened two years ago. What was he doing here? _Why did he leave you? _Did he see me? _Did he ever love you? _Did he want to find me? _Did he care that he broke your heart? _I tossed and turned, groaning aloud in frustration. I should have stayed at the bar. I should have forced him to talk to me while I had the chance. I should go back now. But first I need to figure out what the hell is going on here. It was like trying to solve a Rubix cube in your head, I just kept turning and twisting the possibilities around, but I couldn't get anything to line up. Finally, just as the sky was starting to lighten, I fell into an exhausted and mercilessly dreamless sleep.

_Reviews pretty please?_


	3. There Has to Be a Morning After

**There Has to Be a Morning After**

The next morning I woke groggily to the sound of my cell phone playing Alice's ringtone (Play That Funky Music White Boy). I didn't rush to get it, Alice never gave up after one call. She was persistent to the point of being annoying, which given my aversion to social interaction was an essential and delightful quality. When I finally made it to the phone, Alice launched immediately into her plan for our day, not wasting any time with hellos and how are yous. That's the great thing about Alice, she always has plans, because every second of the day there is always something she wants to be doing, whereas I sometimes have trouble imagining I will ever want to do anything again. I half-listened to her chattering about going swimming at the springs, or maybe at the pool, but on the way getting some pictures developed, and going by the gas station that had blue raspberry Icees, and dozens of other things that might or might not actually happen today, and then agreed for her to pick me up in an hour.

The night before seemed distant and surreal, it was tempting to pretend it has been some strange dream. I had only seen him for a second. Maybe I imagined it_._ Maybe I'd just been really drunk. Maybe someone had slipped LSD into my drink.Maybe I'm finally going all-the-way full-blown hallucinations crazy, instead of pussyfooting around with this lack of affect, mild eating disorder, half-hearted substance abuse kind of crazy. _Maybe if you're a good girl your next hallucination will last longer._

It was a pretty good day, considering. We went swimming at Bartram Springs, and the cold water cleared my head. I had definitely imagined last night. Edward was not the only pale good looking guy around, my drunken mind had just collapsed under the stress of my birthday and painted his face on an innocent guitarist. Edward was nothing if not careful, and he would never be so reckless as to risk fame by being in a band. He wouldn't even visit a sunny locale like Austin without some kind of urgent mission. Later that day, back at my room, Alice suddenly brought up the previous night, catching me off guard with the seasick pitching of her conversation as she went straight from the many advantages of thong underwear (which I refused to wear) to last night's concert. "Hey, you know, we should definitely go see that band again, let's Facebook them!" I cringed. Yeah, and then maybe I should punch myself in the face repeatedly. I wasn't really too worried though. Number one, it wasn't Edward. Number two, even if it was, Edward had been ridiculously good-looking at too many high schools and I knew from pathetic experience that he was immune to cyberstalking. He was too careful.

But I was wrong. Alice pulled up the band's page in no time, and there he was in half a dozen photos. Though he had taken the small precaution of changing his name to Edward Masen. As soon as I saw the first picture, I knew I'd been wrong about a lot of things. Staring at his beautiful features, I suddenly realized with a jolt what was different about him the other night. I felt a thrill of fear. _His eyes were green. _

I couldn't believe it. I felt like I had just found out my friendly little pet kingsnake was in fact a venomous coral snake. There was only one reason for vampires to wear colored contacts. To hide their literally blood-red eyes.

"Bella! Bella, wakey wakey!" I slowly dragged my eyes away from the screen and struggled to close my gaping mouth. "Hmm? What?"

"I said, do you want to go see them again tonight? We missed half the show last night. Jasper has some group project to work on, but we could go back." Did I want to see him again? If Edward no longer valued human life, a sick self-involved voice inside of me immediately saw some advantages. If he was killing humans, it seemed safe to assume he wouldn't be worried about protecting me anymore either, and I could see that going a couple of different ways. _Maybe now he won't be afraid of touching you._ Or maybe he won't be afraid of biting me. _Maybe he'll kiss you. _Maybe he'll kill me. _Maybe he'll f-_. Shut up.

"Okay, yeah, let's go tonight."

_This was a short chapter, but I'd still love to know what you think. Reviews?_


	4. We Meet for the First Time    Again

**We Meet for the First Time . . . Again **

At the club, Alice wanted to go up to the front again, but I convinced her to sit way in the back in the corner instead. Edward was an excellent dissembler, he would have no trouble continuing to pretend not to know me (_are you sure he is pretending? Maybe you just aren't very memorable)_, but I didn't want him to see me staring at him. If I was only going to see him another hour of my life, I wasn't going to waste it looking at his Emo friends. When he strode onto stage, looking like sex on legs as always, my body involuntarily lurched toward his leanly muscled form. He was wearing black pants, and a tight T-shirt that showed off his chest in a way that made me lick my lips without meaning to. I watched his skilled hands move over the strings, and remembered with an ache how those pale fingers had once caressed me. Thankfully it was too loud to carry on a conversation, there is no way I could have continued ogling him and formed coherent sentences for Alice at the same time.

After the band finished warming up, the lead singer took the microphone and greeted the crowd. "Austin, Texas!" he yelled. "All right friends, I'm going to let my good buddy Edward pick the first song. What'll it be Edward, keeping in mind that I've vowed to never again play anything that allows Emmett the opportunity to pull out that fucking tambourine." Edward flashed his signature crooked smile, and mouthed something to the band leader. They launched into a remix version of the theme song from True Blood. Very funny Edward. Ha fucking ha. Then again they also played "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" and I'm pretty sure Edward started idly plucking out "Who Am I" from Les Mis while the lead singer was changing out his guitar for a one of those tiny Indian guitars. So this was a band with a penchant for odd and random cover choices.

After about three songs of watching his mesmerizing hands move over the guitar, and fantasizing about touching his muscled chest, and drooling over the way his black pants hung low over his hips despite his silver belt, I was able to work up the courage to look up into his eyes. His now bright green eyes sparkled with confidence and there was something else different about him. He looked . . . happy. Carefree. Like the weight of the world was lifted from his shoulders. For once, he actually looked young. He even seemed less pale somehow. Obsessed, as I was, I accepted that I was sick enough to want him even if he murdered someone in front of me. Even if that person was me. But it was still intellectually disturbing that letting himself become a monster and a killer had so clearly brought him peace. I guiltily looked around the bar, suddenly feeling responsible for the safety of everyone here. Who was he planning on draining of life tonight? I should warn them, pull the fire alarm, hell, maybe I should actually start a fire. _As if they could outrun him. As if they could fight him off. _So I just sat there.

The band took a break and I glanced over at Alice to see if she was getting antsy about sitting in the back yet. She usually wanted to be in the front row dancing, singing, and of course jumping up and down. Alice, for once, was still, and was studying me intently. "What?" I asked her warily.

"I like this band. We're going to meet them."

"What? Wait, what do you mean? Hold on . . . " but it was too late. Alice was already at the bar introducing herself to the band's drummer, a hugely muscular blond guy with dimples who was wearing less black than the rest of the band. "Alice," I hissed in her ear, "We don't know these guys, we shouldn't be talking to them." She looked silently into the distance for a second, smiled at me innocently, and then turned away as though I hadn't spoken.

"Emmett, this is my friend Bella. Bella, Emmett was just inviting us to an afterparty at his friend's house. He's got a suburban, so he can give us a ride."

I started to say something to argue, but then my brain suddenly stopped being able to place outgoing calls as Edward sauntered up to the bar. Somehow I'd forgotten how tall he was, and with him standing only a few feet away I found my head tilted back to study his eyes again. "Hey guys, this is Edward. Edward, this is Alice and Bella, they're coming to Paul's." Edward's gaze met mine and held it for a moment, and my breath quickened. My heart pounded, and my fingers twitched toward him. I felt a familiar heat flash through me. My blood pounded in my veins, as though it was struggling to get out, as though it wanted him as much as he used to want it. God, I wanted to touch him. I would start with his muscular chest, and then trail my hand down to his rock hard abs, and then moving even lower to toy with his belt buckle. Even with the contacts, I could see his eyes darken with hunger as he breathed in my scent. His hands clenched and he took a quick step backward. I almost smirked. At least he still wanted me one way. Still staring at me, he addressed the beefy blond guy, saying in a rushed voice that meant he was trying not to breathe in. "Emmett, I'll meet you guys at the party, I'm going to go on ahead so I can pick up something to drink on the way." I shivered. He did look thirsty.

_Edward needs a drink, I need reviews. Let me know what you think!_


	5. The Heat of My Frustration

**The Heat of My Frustration **

The "party" was more low key than I expected, it was really just the band and a couple of friends hanging out at some guys house. That didn't change my plan though, which I had formed on the ride over. If Edward was going to pretend we never met, I was going to pretend he didn't exist. Per his request two years ago. _But it's you who doesn't exist._

Avoiding Edward was easy, I spent the whole night dominating Emmett and Jasper at Mario Kart, while Edward and that Paul guy whose house it is wandered back and forth between the kitchen and the low front porch. A pair of blonds in microshorts and spaghetti tops trailed after him each time. Pathetic. _Said the stalker._ He doesn't manifest any interest in them though, every time I see one of them make a move, he politely brushes them off and nonchalantly and continues his animated conversation with Paul about all those things guys in Austin like to argue about. Indie music. Indie movies. Independent political candidates. Oh, and fantasy football. I smiled to myself as I observed the slutterinas increasingly unsubtle moves – leaning over counters, dropping lighters, giving each other lingering caressing hugs. I did have the inside track here for once on the hot guy. It's not so hard girls, slice open a vein. He'll be _very _attentive. I'm going to pretend it didn't cross my mind to try it. He was smoking now – hence the many trips back and forth - seems "new" Edward had picked up a couple of new vices to go along with his non vampire Quaker lifestyle. Edward never did do anything haIfway. _Except fall for you, he only made it halfway through that before he changed his mind. _

Okay, so I was only pretending to pretend that he didn't exist. In reality I was stalking him. But maybe he hadn't noticed. And also, what could he do about it if he had, I thought defiantly. I also found out that night that all of the band and the friends were human. I'd had the chance to surreptitiously brush up against everyone there except Edward, and they were all unmistakably warm and soft.

A few days later Emmett called up Jasper to see if he wanted to go to the Bartram springs with the rest of the band. Jasper asked if Alice could go, and Alice asked if I could go. Edward in swimsuit, bless her bless her bless her. I was going to see and possibly brush against his naked chest. How the hell was he going to deal with the glittering sunlight deal though? I shrugged mentally, that was his problem. Maybe there had been some brilliant advances in vampire anti-detection measures over the last two years. That would explain his sudden desire to live in one of the sunniest places in the continental U.S. He had always liked to feel the sun warming his skin. I felt a twitch of desire as I remembered his lean bare torso shimmering in our meadow, while his muscles tightened beneath the touch of my fingers trailing down his chest and granite abs. I had reverently touched my lips to his stomach an inch above the waistband of his jeans. _Ah the promised land. Just a little taste. _I rested my hand innocently on the button of his pants, and slowly extended my tongue to lick just under his belly button. The instant I made contact, he had frozen completely, and the next thing I knew he was across the meadow glaring at me while he pinched the bridge of his nose. A week later he'd taken a lunge at me after I cut my finger on a piece of tape, and three days after that he was gone for good. He'd told me he was tired of pretending he could be romantically interested in a human, that it had been an interesting experiment but we just weren't compatible. Pretending? What pretending? He'd barely touched me. I wonder how long he is going to keep up this façade of not knowing me. Is he toying with me before he kills me for knowing too much? Is he playing out some fantasy which he was too good to follow through on before? Would all of us be disappearing after this trip, or just me? _Or maybe he really doesn't remember you. _That thought was a heavy stone in the pit of my stomach. Worst of all, was the distinct possibility that there was no game, and I was nothing to him. The way his eyes slid over me that first night at the club, without spark or recognition, it felt like a slap in the face. But the second night, I know he was staring at me at the bar, was I imagining it?

No more cowardice, this time I was going to talk to Edward and see whether he really had forgotten me. I would find a private moment to _jump him, kiss him, rub him _talk to him about our past. Maybe he could give me a good reason for his current lifestyle choice. Like maybe he only killed annoying people. Or maybe he had developed a bizarre animal-blood allergy and now he had no option but to kill or die. I would love to believe that he was still eating animals despite his changed demeanor and his brilliant green eyes, but he had told me how terrible contacts were for vampires, how they interfered terribly with their sight, but they were necessary for non-vegetarians wanting to interact with humans. I can't imagine he would go through that just to have green eyes instead of amber. Although the green did suit him, and make him if possible even sexier. Alice's knock on the door pulled me out of my reminisces, and we all three went down to wait for Edward and Emmett to pick us up.

When Emmett pulled up in his car, Edward politely got out to greet us, and offered to sit in the back. The obvious choice would be for me to sit up front so Jasper and Alice could sit together, but my feet didn't want to move that direction. My eyes must have given me away, because Alice, wonderful Alice, suddenly chirped "I need to sit up front! I get carsick," and hopped into the front seat. Then I just had to slip past Jasper, and I was in the middle seat. Where Edward _had_ to sit next to me. I tried to stop grinning like an idiot. He sat on my left, and my entire left side lit up with acute awareness of his presence. The edge of his shirt was millimeters from my bare shoulder. He was wearing black swim shorts just past his knees and gray T-shirt that hugged his muscled shoulders. I was wearing short denim cutoffs and a white tank top over my bikini. His hair was just slightly damp, and he smelled freshly showered. His hips were only inches away from mine. His foot was kicked out, and he had only to twitch it slightly to the right and it would make contact with mine. I glanced sideways at him, trying to gauge his control of his thirst. He was staring at me hungrily, but not in a way that made me afraid. He was looking intently at me from beneath his dark lashes in a way that set my whole body on fire. How many wagons exactly had Edward fallen off of?

"Hey, I know where I've seen you before!" Edward exclaimed, releasing me from his glittering gaze. Um yes, perhaps you recall me writhing beneath your touch begging you to bite me and fuck me. Although not necessarily in that order. "You're the girl who passed out the other night at the concert. I was going to come down and help you, but your friends got you outside so fast. Hey, are you okay? _No asshole, you killed me once, and now you've resurrected me just to do it again. _"Oh yeah, umm, fine. I guess I got lightheaded and all the _blood _just rushed to my head," I goaded him. I wanted a reaction from him, any reaction.

But he didn't react, just started humming a tune I didn't recognize and tapping his long fingers on his leg. I contemplate a bold move, like placing my hand high on his thigh and telling him I'd liked to get to know him better. Maybe if I could just be a little less innocent. Or maybe more innocent, that was really what he went in for. Next sharp turn Emmett took I would slide helplessly into Edward's stone arms, and he would have to catch me. He always had a hard-on for coming to the rescue.

Emmett's phone started buzzing, and he answered just like a guy. Like cell companies were charging by syllable instead of by the minute. "Tsup dude." "That blows man. Right. K." and he hung up. "Okay guys, we're going to have to pick up Alec and Felix. Alec's truck won't start." Math. Suddenly I was interested in math. Five seats. Seven people. Five guys, two girls, five seats. Alice and I were both going to be sitting in laps. I must have been very very good in a previous lifetime.

Alec and Felix were waiting outside the house when we pulled up. Alec opened the door and I looked into Edward's now piercing green eyes questioningly, trying to ask him if it was going to be ok, if he could handle this, or if I was going to get myself killed. He looked back quizzically for a moment and then gave me his signature half grin with half-raised eyebrows, inviting me over. I closed my eyes and scooted swiftly into his lap. "Ahg!" I gasped loudly in shock the instant I touched him. It couldn't be. _I don't understand. _There was a familiar tingle when our skin touched, but there was also warmth, heat, softness. This was no vampire. This was a human.


	6. Happiness is a Warm Lap

_To clarify, this story is not exactly canon. Bella met Edward in Forks. He was a vampire. However, he was an only child, so there was just him and Esme and Carlisle who were vampires. He left Bella much sooner after their relationship started than in the traditional story, and there was no Jacob and no werewolves. Now Bella thinks she has run into him again, but then she realizes it can't be him because he isn't a vampire. _

**Happiness is a Warm Lap **

I could only conclude it wasn't Edward after all. Well technically it _was_ Edward. That was his name. It just couldn't possibly be _my _Edward. I came up with several logical, and a number of not so logical explanations for the resemblance. Such as, this was Edward's doppelganger. Or an evil twin. Or actually the good twin (clearly the one I knew before was the more nefarious). Perhaps my Edward had a great nephew. Or who knows? He said he was a virgin, but he said a lot of things. This could be his great grandson. Most likely of all, I am losing my mind and someone will eventually ask me who this imaginary Edward I keep talking about is. Someone in a white coat with a little paper cup full of pills.

But it _felt _like my Edward. It was different, because he was warm, and although his chest and arms and thighs were still very hard, there was give to them, they weren't made of granite. I could hear his human heart pounding as I wiggled surreptitiously in his lap, trying to take a picture in my mind of the sensation of touching him this much, to remember later. The electric shock that went all the way through me when I touched him was still the same. I tried to tell myself that this was a different person, a virtual stranger, but I just felt too happy to be near him. Being near him, I just couldn't quite care if I was crazy or not.

We had a really great day at the springs. When the water got too cold, we all lay around on blankets in the grass. I was staring at Edward trying to work up the courage to speak to him, when he spoke to me first.

"So Bella."

"Yes?"

He hesitated and then seemed to change his mind about what he was going to say. "Ah, so how do you like the food here in Austen?" he asked. "Oh, I love it. Tex Mex is my absolute favorite, although I'm not sure why they put ground beef in everything. They even put ground beef in the queso most of the time. I could live on queso though. And burritos. And burritos with queso on them. But who even likes ground beef that much? Do you like ground beef?" shut up shut up shut up Bella, stop babbling. I took a sip of Gatorade to stop my mouth from spewing more nonsense. Edward smiled at my Tex Mex outburst, melting my heart with his crooked grin, "Ah, no," he responded. "I'm a vegetarian." I choked on my drink. Of course you are. We went on to talk about music (Emo versus Indie), more food (Edward loved ice cream more than any other food, and my lady parts swooned just thinking about his dexterous tongue licking away at something sweet) and a little about politics. I could tell he liked me by the way he leaned his tall frame down close to hear anything I had to say, and the way he laughed sincerely at my lame jokes, green eyes sparkling with humor. The only sour note was when I accused him of being a private school brat because of his support of school vouchers, and asked him where he went to high school. He went suddenly silent and blank, staring above my head as though lost in thought. Emmett quickly stepped in with a joke about football at his high school and his teachers being more interested in his passing percentage than they were in his grades, and the moment passed.

Riding on Edward's lap on the way to the springs had been wonderful, but riding back was sweet sweet torture. Our bathing suits were still damp, so we didn't put our coverups back on before piling into Emmett's car. When the soft pale skin of my shoulders pressed against his taut bare biceps, I found it hard to breathe. When my breasts brushed against his hard chest, separated only by the thin fabric of my bikini top, my nipples hardened embarrassingly, but I could blame it on a chill so I tried not to think about it. I nuzzled my head into the crook of his neck, exhausted from the day and not having to feign tiredness to lean on him. I heard him swallow hard as he held me and he absent-mindedly stroked my exposed hip bone with his thumb. I nearly fell asleep on the way home, a smile of complete contentment plastered across my face as his heat warmed me through.


	7. Several of My Exes Live in Texas

**Several of My Exes Live in Texas**

Alice, Jasper, and I started hanging out with Edward's band a couple of times a week, sometimes with all of them but especially with Edward and Emmett. Then Jasper introduced Emmett to his twin sister Rosalie, and a few times a week became almost every day or night because Emmett started pestering Jasper constantly to hang out and to bring his hot sister. After that first day at the springs when I sat in his lap, I hadn't really had any physical contact with Edward. He seemed to like spending time with me, and we always had a lot to talk about. He just didn't seem interested in being anything except friends, and he seemed almost wary of touching me, carefully keeping his hands and arms close to his body if we sat next to each other, and maintaining space between us when we walked side by side. The only positive was that he didn't seem interested in anyone else either. Girls of all types and ages were constantly trying to catch his attention, but he blithely ignored their advances and treated them all with indifference. I was beginning to question his orientation (the boy was awfully pretty and he _did _have some tight pants) and I was trying to think of nice way to ask him, when we ran into Tanya one night at the Alamo movie theater.

We were going to a midnight showing of The Big Lebowski and got to the theater early to have a few drinks. Suddenly a piercing yell from the back of the theater caused us, and half the rest of the theater, to turn around. "Edward!" she shrieked, power walking towards our row. "Oh Christ," Emmett muttered, "Fucking Tanya." She was tall and model thin in skinny jeans and toeless ankle boots, with white blond hair and ice blue eyes. She was leanly muscular and had the dark bronze tan that looks great on twenty-year-olds and wrinkly on thirty-year-olds. In a flash Edward was out of his seat and in the aisle, putting his arm around her and walking her away from the group. Great, I guess now I know what Edward's type is. Blonde and tan. Perfect, that's just perfect.

"What did _she _want?" Emmett asked when Edward returned to seat a few minutes later. I avoided his eyes.

"She ah wanted to get together and do it again." Edward replied quietly, glancing around.

"You are shitting me. What a psycho. Keep her away man, we don't need any more crazy."

I pretended I couldn't hear them, folding my arms over my chest defensively and crossing my legs. Blond, tan, and tall. Fan-fucking-tastic. Thanks a lot Edward. I knew I was being irrational, but suddenly learning that he _did _have interest in the opposite sex was pissing me off.

The next night we were all back at Paul's house hanging out and I decided to man up and ask about Tanya. I'd brought over some frozen cookie dough (and a baking pan, Paul didn't even have spoons), and Emmett, Felix, and Demetri had gathered in the kitchen waiting for the cookies to finish baking. "So, that girl from the other night, Tanya, she and Edward, uh, dated?" I asked casually. Emmett laughed a short bark. "Ha. Yeah. Dated."

"Briefly," said Felix rolling his eyes.

"Oh, was that a while ago? Because I never see him with anyone or anything," I commented.

Emmett groaned. "Oh no, Bells, don't do it. Oh, please don't even think about it."

"What? Do what?" I asked innocently. Emmett and Felix exchanged glances. "Bella," Emmett said looking straight at me, "Edward is a great friend. The best, always has your back."

"But here's the thing," Felix interrupted. "He is terrible, I mean like epically bad with women. I mean I'm no saint, but shit,"

"Just don't get involved Bella. You are way too awesome for him. And after Edward works his shorty disaster magic on you you won't want hang out with us anymore." Emmett broke in.

"Plus you're much too hot, Edward usually only goes after skanks," Demetri added.

"Like Tanya," finished Emmett, pretending to shudder in horror.

"But Edward seems . . . like a gentleman," I said lamely, remembering too late that it was the other Edward who I knew that about.

"It's funny you'd say that," said Emmett. "He kind of is a gentleman. I mean, he opens doors and shit. He is just bad mojo. And he needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut."

"Hey, remember when he pissed off that kinky Goth girl and she refused to unlock his handcuffs? That boy needs to learn to keep his mouth _shut_," Demetri said.

" Or how about the time whatsherface, Whitney," started Felix

"WHIT-TRASH!" chorused Emmett and Demetri in unison.

"Yeah, Whit-trash, remember when she bashed in his car headlights and wouldn't leave until the cops came?"

"He did refuse to press charges, that was gentlemanly."

"Or what about Tattoo Girl and how she sent him a gross vial of blood to wear around his neck?"

" To be fair, they did meet at that vampire club. Gayest night ever, by the way, I don't know whose idea that was. Even the chicks he doesn't hit it with hate him. Remember that fat chick who was rubbing up on him and he told her flat out he just wasn't attracted to her?"

"That was priceless. She was probably three bills plus though, so she kind of had to know that."

"Wow, he really sounds like an asshole," I said, trying to imagine perfect Edward Cullen insulting a lady.

"That's just it, I don't think he means to be. He is just wayyy too honest."

"And way too easy. I think it took him a while to figure out that there are kind of a lot of girls you can't just hit it with and then leave, even if they act like that's what they want. You have to at least pretend to get their number and shit."

"They pay you to leave, right? That's the old saying." I said, trying to process all of this information without looking like it bothered me.

"Huh?"

"You know, guys don't pay hookers for sex, they pay them to leave." I explained. The guys all burst out laughing.

"Oh shit, that's priceless. I'm going to try that one out on Rosie." Emmett chuckled.

"Hey, what you guys laughing about?" Alice lilted, dancing into the room.

"Oh nothing, we're just explaining to Bella the many many reasons why Edward is a bad bad choice for her."

"Oh, but why? Bella has such a crush on him!"

"Alice! I do not have a crush on him. I have never said any such thing."

"Sure you do Bella. You're always looking at him and biting your lip. That is clear sexual frustration. Plus I think he likes you."

"He doesn't like me Alice, we're just friends. Who wants a cookie? And a drink?"

_Reviews pretty please with cookies on top?_


	8. You Are Just Like Edward, Edward

**You Are Just Like Edward, Edward**

Alice definitely saw too much, so I decided to enlist her help with Edward instead of continuing to hide it. Alice didn't have many friends, even though she made them easily, and I could see why. Not everyone would want a friend who can see right through you, it's usually better to have someone who believes your act and just sees the best in you.

Alice, needless to say, was ecstatic with the project, particularly in regards to wardrobe choices. "You need to wear your hair down more. Jasper said he thinks he saw Edward smell it one time, that must mean he likes it a lot."

"You told Jasper about this?"

"He won't say anything. Besides, I had to tell Jasper to get the dirt on Tanya."

"What's the story with Tanya?"

"Well apparently she Edward were into a little, you know, some handcuffs, choking, spanking, cutting . . ."

"I get it Alice. Kink."

"Anywho, so one night I guess Edward got a little carried away and he ended up taking Tanya to the emergency room."

"What happened? Was it the choking?"

"No, um, apparently he, um, bit her. Like hard. And it wouldn't stop bleeding so he took her to the hospital. But Jasper said that Emmett said he must have been really shaken up about it though, because he hasn't been out with anyone since."

"So you're okay with me dating a biter?"

Alice fluttered her hands dismissively. "You guys would be great together. I can see it. You've changed since we met him. You're more outgoing, and sometimes you even leave the house voluntarily without me dragging you. Besides, I'm sure there is more to him than just biting. People are like onions. There are layyyyers."

"Yeah, but all that's under the first layer of onion is more onion."

Alice rolled her eyes. "You're so difficult. Okay, let's talk about tonight."

Alice said that Edward clearly liked me, we just had to get him to admit that he liked me that way. Which is how I ended up arriving at Paul's house wearing only a shiny dark green string bikini and five-inch heels. Paul was having a pool party, and Alice said if she gave me a coverup I would just cling to it all night and that if I was cold I would have to get Edward to give me his shirt. Mmm, shirtless Edward. Shirtless Edward with little drops of water dripping down his hard pecs toward his washboard abs.

When we got to the party I couldn't find Edward at first. Then I spotted him in a corner, a short girl with a double-D chest, whose name I think was Jessica, was leaning into him flirtatiously and swatting at him while she giggled. "Bella!" he cried in relief as I approached. "Sorry Jessica, I promised Bella I would show her my new guitar." Jessica gave me a simpering smile and looked me up and down dismissively like I was an obstacle, but not a threat. I could see I was no more than a small hill in the road in her mind, and she planned to just walk over me.

"You didn't tell me you got a new guitar," I said tilting my head back to look up at Edward while we walked toward his car.

"You'll love it," he said with a heart-stopping grin, "It's an acoustic." I'd asked Edward to teach me how to play a few weeks ago, but he knew I wasn't a huge fan of electric guitars.

He opened up the back hatch of his jeep and we sat in the back with our feet dangling side by side while Edward idly strummed the guitar. "Here," he said, scooting closer, "You hold down the chord with your fingers while I strum. Just put your first finger here, and your second finger here, and that's a C." I took in a shaky breath, his delicious scent clouding my judgment while his long fingers shifted mine over the strings. "I think my hands are too small," I murmered holding one hand out to him palm forward for comparison. He pressed his warm hand to mine, dwarfing it momentarily, and then sliding his fingers slowly between mine so that we were holding hands, his thumb gently but insistently stroking my thin wrist. He closed his eyes for a moment, and the respite from his piercingly clear green eyes gave me the courage to reach my free hand forward and tenderly brush his soft hair from his face. He kept his eyes closed and started breathing harder. I trailed my hand down and over his flexed jaw, where a shadow of stubble was just forming. Biting my lip, I slowly trailed my index finger over his lips and he allowed his mouth to part slightly so that his warm breath caressed my fingertip. I soft sigh involuntarily escaped me at the sensation, and Edward's eyes flew open. "Ah, sorry Bella, he said quickly gathering the guitar and packing it away. I didn't mean to take you away from the party, we can do the music lessons later." I turned my head to the side, letting my hair cascade between us like a curtain so that he wouldn't see the hurt in my eyes. "Of course. Let's go get a drink." He was so achingly close. He was right there, inches away, and I could just reach out and touch him. But I couldn't make him touch me.

Alice had more tricks up her sleeve to get me close to Edward. After everyone was a few drinks deep, she corralled a big group of us into the pool. Jessica had seized the opportunity to take her top off, complaining loudly that large breasts were so annoying while her oversized melons bobbed wildly on the surface of the pool. Slut.

"You're probably wondering why we are gathered here today Alice said seriously after whistling for everyone's attention, "Welcome to Chickenfight Club!" she exclaimed. "The first rule of Chickenfight Club is—"

"Don't talk about Chickenfight Club," we chorused. I giggled. Alice was soo ridiculous.

"The second rule of Chickenfight Club is—"

"Don't talk about Chickenfight Club!"

"The third rule of Chickenfight Club is—"

"Ma-murmph mumph dadum." Apparently we did not agree on what the third rule of Chickenfight Club was. I think Emmett said it was that the losers had to strip. Rosalie smacked him pretty hard.

"Okay," Alice yelled, "Everyone pair up, and when I say 'Go' you can start fighting. Last ones standing get a bottle of Jack." Alice paused for a few moments while everyone scrambled to partner up and clamber onto each others shoulders. Damnit. I didn't see Edward so I started to retreat out of the pool to get away from this creepy guy James who was making his way toward me, when a pair of strong hands suddenly gripped my hips, stopping me short. "Ready Bella?" a velvety voice murmured in my ear before lifting me effortlessly to his shoulders in one swift movement.

Oh dear lord in heaven, Alice was a genius. I squeezed my legs tight for balance, the softest part of my inner thigh gripping the sides of Edward's neck while my hands tangled in his thick hair.

"Urgh, okay Bella release the death grip. You weigh about five pounds, I'm not going to let you fall." Oops. I loosened my legs and Edward lightly held me in place by holding onto my calves. Fire shot all the way up my legs to my groin at his touch.

Needless to say, Emmett and Rosalie won the chickenfight match easily. Emmett barreled through weaker couples, and Rosalie was ruthless about pulling hair and scratching. Edward and I were eliminated after matching off with some guy and Jessica, who still had her top off. I accidentally grabbed her naked boob while I was flailing around trying to knock her off, and we both screamed. I jerked backwards, nearly pulling us both over, while Jessica screamed bloody murder about molesting being against the rules. We could have kept going, but Edward was about to have hysterics he was laughing so hard, so I slid down off his back in a huff.

After we got out of the pool I had a few more drinks, trying to work up the confidence to make an actual move on Edward. Okay, I had a lot more drinks. I had enough drinks that I thought it would be a good idea to dance, which is saying a lot. I dragged Edward into dancing with me, telling him I needed him to protect me from James and his grabby hands, which was an excuse but the truth nonetheless. I stepped on his feet a couple of times, but at least I had my shoes off. After a couple of songs I was warming up, but then I tripped over the rug and almost took out a lamp, Edward's quick grab saving me and Paul's furniture. "Okay," he said, "I think maybe that is enough dancing. Do you want to sit down?" he asked leading me into another room away from the music.

He was still holding onto me to keep me upright. I snaked one hand up his chest and pulled his head down toward me with the other hand. "I don't want to sit down," I slurred as sexily as I could. "I want to lie down. Come lie down with me Edward," I said, wiggling up against him suggestively and boldly planting a kiss on his neck. He froze, and pulled me away.

"You're drunk," he said kindly, easily holding me up and away with one hand, "I don't want you to do anything you will regret."

"Well," I said, gathering my wits to try to make a rational argument, "I don't want to regret not doing anything you will I mean I will not regret. I mean will regret." He chuckled and set me down on one side of the leather sofa, sitting himself down on the far end.

"Well? Why not?" I demanded, throwing my pride further into gutter.

"You shouldn't be around me Bella," he said, the smile suddenly dropping away as he hung his head in his hands. Oh for all that's holy, am I really having this conversation again. "You wouldn't want me if you really knew me. I'm not . . . good," He muttered.

"Urgh, Edward Masen, you are just like him!" I mumbled angrily.

"Just like who?"

"Nothing. Nothing. Just forget it." I angrily snatched up one of the throw pillows for my head, curled up at my end of the sofa and squeezed my eyes shut to stop the room from moving around so much.

When I woke up later the room was dark, and I must have shifted in my sleep because the throw pillow was on the floor and my head was resting against the warmth of Edward's warm thigh instead. I couldn't tell if he was awake or not and I kept my eyes closed, enjoying our closeness. After a few minutes Emmett walked in quietly, or at least as quiet as Emmett ever is, and stopped short at the sight of us. "Comfortable there Eddie?" he teased.

"Shut up Emmett." Edward retorted calmly.

I moved, intending to let Edward out of his awkward position, but he stopped me by softly stroking my arm, so I stayed as I was. Edward tapped his long fingers on my hip and started humming a soft tune to get me back to sleep. It was so soothing, I was drifting off again in moments.

But it sounded so familiar. Where had I heard that song before? A chill washed through me and I realized what the song was. It was the lullaby that Edward Cullen had written for me, over two years ago.

_Did you like it? Hate it? Is it confusing? I tried to explain the situation but sometimes I forget. Reviews are very much appreciated._


	9. You Don't Look TwentyFour

**You Don't Look Twenty-Four**

Edward was gone when I woke up the next morning, and I sent him a repentant text message.

_Sorry about last night way 2 much 2 drink. Pls forget it happened?_

His reply was almost instantaneous.

_Nbd, meet me for coffee?_

He wanted to see me, which was good, but he wanted it to be a public place, which meant maybe he was afraid I was going to jump him again.

_Grinders nxt to my dorm 10? _

_CU there._

We managed to find a quiet corner with two cushy chairs, contenting ourselves with small talk until we'd settled in with our drinks. He looked like he hadn't slept at all, and there were dark circles under his eyes.

"Bella," he said with a deep breath, "Please don't apologize again for last night, but it did make something clear to me. I can't seem to stay away from you, so I need to tell you why you need to stay away from me." I blinked. Really? Really universe? Is this some kind of Star Trek time loop where I fall into alternate reality after alternate reality but in every one the same damn thing happens?

"Do you know how our band got its name? Identity Supremacy?" Edward continued.

"I don't know, is it some kind of anti-Hitler Youth thing?"

"Ha. No. It's kind of inside joke having to do with a nickname I used to have. The guys used to call me Jason Bourne, like you know, the Bourne Identity, the Bourne Supremacy?"

"Okay, so you're a secret agent slash assassin? That's why I should stay away from you?"

He took another deep breath and stared over my head out the window. "That's just it Bella. I don't know who or what I am. I don't even know what my real name is. A little over two years ago I woke up in a ditch just south of the Mexico border. I was filthy, starving, and covered in cuts and bruises, and I was talking like someone out of an old movie."

Like someone born in the early 1900s? I kept my mouth shut. It was impossible. But two years ago, Edward Cullen, vampire extraordinaire, dropped off the face of the earth, and at exactly the same time, Edward Masen, confused human with no memory, appeared? Way too coincidental.

"Well that's a little unusual, but what makes you think you're a bad person? Just because you lost your memory in Mexico-"

He gave a humorless laugh. "Secret agent slash assassin is actually kind of the best case scenario. I know I was either an agent or a criminal because I was carrying a fake ID. I was wearing a $50,000 Rolex watch, not exactly the sort of thing your average undercover can afford. And I had these dreams or flashbacks or something for the first few months . . . there was a lot of . . . blood."

I stared into his clear green eyes, which usually seemed so much lighter and less shadowed than Edward Cullen's, and they were dark with guilt and pain. "I think, Bella, that I'm a monster."

"You said you didn't know what your real name, how did you come up with Edward Masen?"

"I had two IDs on me when I woke up. Actually, I had two separate wallets. The IDs had different names and birthdates, but they both had pictures of me. I picked the older one, because I figured it would be less complicated to be twenty-two than to be seventeen. I've no idea how old I actually am."

"You don't look twenty-four," I whispered. "What was the name on the other ID?"

"Edward. Edward Cullen."


	10. Runaway Train Never Coming Back

**Runaway Train Never Coming Back**

Edward Cullen. Here he held the ripped shreds of my heart in his fist and flung them back at me, not even able to remember that he was the one who had torn it to pieces. This was unendurable. I couldn't be here anymore. I just couldn't stand it. Here this coffee shop, here this school, here anywhere. I felt nauseous and my mouth was full of things he wouldn't want to know, and wouldn't believe if I told him. I fled, leaving both my Edwards, neither of whom could bear to be with me, far behind.

I don't remember how I got home. I crawled under the covers and closed my eyes and there I stayed for the next three days. I felt like I had suffered an episode of vertigo in the middle of an earthquake. I'd lost myself for a moment in a pair of brilliant green eyes, and come to to find the whole world had fallen apart around me. Sure, there had been hints and I'd had my ideas. But hearing him say his name, out loud, was somehow still a surprise, like the difference between suspecting your boyfriend might be cheating and walking in on him balls deep with one of your friends.

My vampire had found a way to become a human. But he still didn't want me. I had always told myself that Edward couldn't love me because we were too different, vampires just couldn't attracted to humans the way I was attracted to him. But here he was a human, like he always wished he could be, and here was the same heartbreak. Oh no, you're too good for me. Oh no, I am dangerous. Oh no, I don't want to hurt you. It was all just noise and it meant one thing. No, no, no.

When I finally dragged myself out of bed Thursday, an opaque film coated the world in front of me, and sounds came to me as through a thick sludge. My voice sounded far away in my own ears, like it was coming from somewhere else. Somewhere far away. I got into the beat-up Toyota Camry my dad got me at the end of my freshman year and I drove. I left a message telling Alice I was going home for a few days. I drove for three days straight, pulling over only to curl up in the backseat at a rest stop for a few hours of sleep. I didn't know where I was going at first, but I found myself crossing the steadily crossing the states to the north and west. My first thought was to drive to Phoenix, but of course my mom wasn't there anymore. In fact, I wasn't sure where she was, she wasn't so good about telling me of her traveling plans with Phil. I was headed to Washington, back to Forks.

I slowed up as I neared town, stalling until I thought my dad was gone for work Monday morning. My phone was dead and I wanted to call him to tell him I was home, so that I wouldn't have to explain why in person. I also wanted a chance to cleanup before he saw me, even in my haze I could smell how disgusting I was. I treated myself to a long relaxing soak with lavender bath salt, washing my hair twice.

I already felt better being back in Forks, where I could cling to sanity by pretending none of it had ever happened. I had move to Forks my junior year to live with my dad, 18 months later I'd left for college. There was no such thing as vampires, and I had never been in love with one.

Charlie sounded happy to hear I was home, but I could hear the worry creeping into his voice toward the end of our brief phone call. He wasn't buying my story that the pressure of school had gotten to me, he knew I'd never had any trouble with academics. The house had that telltale bachelor look to it – clean, but not polished. Dust piled up in corners. The freezer was stocked with Hungry Man dinners, but the fridge only had spoiled milk and Vitamin R. My waist had slimmed to nothing, and my hip bones were beginning to jut out alarmingly after almost a week of barely eating, so I threw a heavy jacket over my favorite yoga pants and headed to the store for the fixings of a healthy sized lunch and a huge dinner.

An unfamiliar car was blocking the drive when I got home, so I pulled up to the curb instead. I hesitated, wishing for the pepper spray Charlie kept slipping into my purses when I lived with him. I gathered my bags, figuring a heavy can was better than no weapon at all, and slowly approached the house. A tall figure in dark clothes was leaning against the door, resting his forehead on his raised left arm, his other hand clenched in a fist at his side. He was completely still and his back was to me, but I knew immediately who it was. Before my mind even said the name, my breathing hitched and my heart raced. I tried to call out to him but my voice wouldn't work properly and it came out a breathy whisper.

"Edward." He didn't move. Oh right, no more superhuman hearing.

I gripped my bags and hurried toward him, but I forgot the corner was uneven on the third block of the walkway and my toe caught its edge and sent me straight down and the canvas bags full of groceries up, up, up. I shut my eyes in anticipation just before I slammed into the cold concrete.


	11. What Would I Give

What Would I Give

When I came to, I was lying on my back on Charlie's couch, but I didn't remember how I got there. My entire left side was stinging and there was a throbbing knot on the side of my head. I shifted slightly and a stabbing pain shot through my skull and radiated down to the base of my neck. Ow. Bad idea, Bella. New life plan, lie completely still with my eyes shut for the rest of my existence.

The floorboards creaked as a man entered the room and walked across to where I lay. He leaned over me and Edward's delicious scent drifted over me, easing the ache in my head. He gently pressed a damp cloth along the stinging scrapes on my arm, the cool soothing offset by the fire of his bare fingertips brushing against my skin. He hesitated when he reached my waist. Gingerly, he lifted my shirt up on one side and let out a muffled groan. I had really hurtled down into the sidewalk, there was probably already a gruesome bruise or worse. Edward murmured something too low for me to hear and I felt the washcloth ghosting over the scrapes on my hip. He put a bandage over my side, his long fingers sliding exquisitely over the curve of my waist as he pressed down the edge of the bandage. An involuntary gasp escaped me at the sensation. He dropped the edge of my shirt instantly and quickly backed away a few steps. _No, wait, come back. Let's play doctor. _

I opened my eyes a slit and peered through my lashes. Edward was staring down at me as though his heart would break. There were dark circles under his eyes and anguish shone from his beautiful green eyes. "Edward," I croaked, forcing my eyes open, "Hey, what's wrong?"

He took two halting steps toward the sofa and slowly sank to his knees. His arms reached out as though to embrace me, but paused halfway there and he pulled them back to his side.

"Oh God Bella," he rasped, his voice deep with emotion and his jaw clenching, "I thought you were dead."

"Oh, hey, it was just a little accident. Don't look so worried. I'm so sorry I gave you a fright, it's nothing really." I reassured him.

Edward let out a half laugh with an edge of madness in it. "Not the fall Bella. The disappearance. You were . . . gone. Just gone. We searched everywhere, and finally Alice got that message that you were going home. But you weren't there."

I opened my mouth to argue, but then I realized what he meant.

"You always said you were from Phoenix, Bella, and that you lived with your mother. But you weren't there. I'd almost given up on finding you, I thought surely you were kidnapped, dead or worse. No one had any idea where or who your father was, but I had to keep looking so I got the registrars office to release his information and I called him and asked for you. He said you were at school. I drove here anyways because I didn't know what else to do. I thought maybe I could find a clue along the road. Some trace of you."

"But how did you get here so fast? I drove straight here."

"Bella. It's been two weeks," He gripped my shoulders almost painfully in his large hands, his wild eyes piercing my soul with their intensity. "I thought I would never see you again. Have you no idea how I feel about you? What you have done to me?" His voice shook.

I narrowed my eyes. "I do know how you feel about me. You've told me how you feel about me." Twice. "You want me to stay away from you."

"How I wish that is what I wanted. If I had any decency, that is what I would want," he muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"What do you want?" I asked breathlessly, my heart in my throat.

He stood and paced the room, tugging at his untamed hair.

"I want you, Bella. I want everything about you. I want to hold you in my arms and make you mine. I want to protect you. I want to spend every minute with you and I don't want to let you out of my sight because everything went empty when you disappeared. I want to know everything about you and I want to make you happy. I want you to feel the same way."

My jaw dropped. Hope thrilled through me. The pain disappeared in a wave of euphoria. He wanted me.

"Edward," I said softly. He turned toward me, his face a mask of guilt and hurt. "Can you help me get up?"

He swiftly crossed the room and wrapped his strong arms around my body to lift me to my feet. Instead of cooperating, I grasped his hair and pulled his face to mine. I stared into his green eyes, his vulnerability as enthralling as his erstwhile confidence. "It's always been you Edward." I whispered. His eyes lit with triumph and he smiled his signature crooked grin. He caressed my face as though it were the most precious and fragile thing in the world. He leaned slowly toward me, a look of concentration on his face. He paused his lips just before they touched mine, hesitating. Unable to control myself, I swiftly closed the gap and pressed my mouth to his.

The moment our lips brushed I moaned and Edward responded instantly by gripping me tighter, pushing me back flat against the couch, pressing my soft breasts to his lean, hard chest. I slipped my fingers through his hair, lightly scraping the nape of his neck with my nails and he let out a low groan. I could feel his heart hammering against his chest as his kisses became more urgent. His talented fingers were caressing slowly up my hips to my waist, and finally moved to expertly massage my breasts, flickering over my nipples in a tantalizing manner which shot waves of desire between my legs and banished coherent thought. This was no 107-year-old virgin. He knew _exactly _what he was doing to me. He trailed his hands back down my torso, pausing when he reached the bandage on my side. He stilled against me, inhaling deeply against my neck, his chest still heaving, and regretfully pulled his lips from my skin to rest his forehead against mine.

The phone rang, and Edward was off of me in a flash, retrieving the portable phone from the kitchen and handing it to me with a smile before politely stepping into the kitchen. Charlie. FML, what was I going to do about Edward? There was a way to explain it to Charlie, although he wouldn't be happy, but there really wasn't a way to explain it to Edward. What would I say? By the way, your name really is Edward Cullen, you used to live here, you broke my heart, oh, and by the way you were a vampire.

"Hey Dad."

"Bells, glad you're there. How would you like to go to dinner tonight at the lodge? I could make reservations."

What would Edward do while I was gone? Every second he was in Forks held disaster. Everyone would remember Edward Cullen. We needed to get out of here.

"Uh, Dad, could we meet for lunch? I know I've just gotten here, but Alice called me and there's an important test I need to get back for, so I was thinking of turning right around." I really was getting better at lying.

I prepared myself to meet my dad to say goodbye, although I couldn't tell him it was goodbye. If I'm with Edward, and there is no if, I can never come back here. He might as well have changed me. But I can't to tell him the truth; the way he looked when he confessed his suspicions about his past, I never want to see that haunted look in his eyes again. I'd rather eat glass. He thought it might scare me that he may have killed someone. I could never tell him that I already knew he had. After years of falling into the black oblivion of his capacity to hurt me, now I had to be so careful not to hurt him. I couldn't let his past destroy him. I loved him.


	12. Restraint

_I decided Edward and Bella needed to have a little fun before he discovered what a little liar she is, so I'm inserting this chapter, sorry it's out of order. _

**Restraint**

When I got back from lunch with Charlie, I practically sprinted from the car to the house, ready to fly around the house and sweep my fragile relationship from the shadow of our past in Forks and back south to where it could flourish. Having Edward with me here was like having a winning lottery ticket in your hand, excitement and joy almost eclipsed by your fear of losing it even as you clutch it to you. We needed to pack, then we needed to leave, and we needed to do it fast.

But the moment I saw Edward standing in my bedroom, every plan flew out of my head, overwhelmed in a wave of pure joy. He was beautiful. And he was mine. He was freshly showered, wearing a tight gray T-shirt and loose black chinos fraying around the cuff. His feet were bare, his face was newly shaven. He quirked one eyebrow up, "Bella?" he questioned in his mellifluous voice. I blushed at being caught openly staring.

"Hey," I said, dropping my coat on the floor and moving toward him, unable to resist the pull to be closer to him. I paused inches from him, no part of our bodies were touching, yet the heat and electricity crackling between us was almost palpable. I looked up at him through my lashes, meeting his gaze while I moved my hands in front of me to lightly rest on his chest. I gave a shove to his solid frame and he playfully fell to the bed as though my small hands could really overpower his muscular form. I climbed into his lap, straddling his legs and winding my fingers into his thick hair. "Bella," he said smiling that irresistible smile, his voice a little raspy, "Slow, remember?" I moistened my lips and smirked internally. I hadn't been afraid of his teeth when he was a vampire, I certainly wasn't going to worry about a little nibble now if that's what he was into. I settled into his lap, sitting back just far enough to maintain his boundaries, and scraped my nails lightly along nape of his neck. He groaned lowly and his long fingers tightened involuntarily on my hips. I slid my hands down his shoulders to rest on his biceps, which flexed and hardened under my caress. His chest was heaving slightly and his eyes flickered to my lips. I leaned slowly in and pressed my lips to his, moving slowly against him for a few moments before deepening the kiss and sliding my tongue into his mouth. We set a steady rhythm in the kiss, and I rocked gently against him in time to the same beat, pleasurable sensations shooting straight to my groin at the feeling of his dexterous tongue against mine. Edward pulled back for a moment and pressed his forehead to mine, panting. Instead of pausing, I moved my lips to the side and laid a trail of hot kisses down the side of his neck, breathing in his heady scent and slipping one hand down to rest innocently on his belt buckle. Edward hissed and shifted beneath me. Before he could lift me off of him, I opened my mouth and gently bit down at the base of his neck.

Edward let out a low noise that was almost a growl. I actually felt his dick twitch beneath my hand. Suddenly, I was no longer pushing him, I was struggling to keep up with the frantic pace he set. In one swift motion he lifted me off his lap and had me flat on my back in the middle of the bed. In an instant he was hovering above me, holding himself above me easily with one arm while his lips ravaged my neck and his free hand grazed over my hardened nipples and then down to my waist. More quickly than I could see, my shirt was over my head and his nimble fingers had undone the clasp of my bra, freeing my breasts. His gaze burned up and down my body as he looked at me spread out beneath him for a few moments while his hands stayed busy deftly unbuttoning and unzipping my jeans, reaching in to caress the smooth curve of my hips. I tugged at his shirt wanting to feel his naked skin against mine. He eagerly tossed his shirt aside, somehow managing to slip my jeans all the way down and onto the floor in the same smooth motion. He pressed his muscled bare chest against me and hitched my leg up over his hip, rocking gently into me so that I could feel him straining toward me. I moaned at the incredible sensations coursing through me and actually felt him grow harder against me at the sound. He slipped his hand down the front of my silky boy shorts, pressing against me where I was aching for contact before sliding one finger and then two slickly inside of me. All coherent thought fled my mind as his fingers moved against me, and I heard myself making small whimpering noises in the back of my throat that I didn't recognize. Edward was murmuring into my ear but I was so occupied I only caught a word here and there, "Fuck . . . tight . . . so fucking wet . . . Christ, so beautiful." I felt something building inside me, but more than anything I wanted him inside me. I wanted to make him mine. Still shamelessly wiggling my hips in rhythm with his expert thrusts, a grabbed at his belt and tugged clumsily at the clasp, grazing against his length straining against the zipper as I did it. He started, his hips involuntarily pushing forward at the contact, and captured my wrists in both his hands. "Bella," he rasped, gazing into my eyes with utter trust shining out, "Are you sure you want to do this?" Suddenly, I wasn't. I knew him better than he knew himself, and he hardly knew anything of me truly. I wanted to give myself to him, but when he stared at me with such open devotion and intimacy, somehow it felt like I would be taking something from him. Then again, he had taken something from me too, when he had left that fateful day two years ago. He saw the hesitation in my eyes and buried his perfect features in his hands. "Christ, Bella, I'm so sorry. I got so carried away, we shouldn't go this fast. When I touch you I fucking lose my mind."

"Hey," I responded softly, pulling his hands away from his face. "I was the one who started it, it's okay, besides I just realized my dad will be home for work soon." Edward grinned, tossing my clothes back to me while he pulled his on, "Yeah I suppose he wouldn't care to find me up here in your bed."

"That is correct, that would not go over well at all." In fact, he wouldn't care to find Edward Cullen anywhere near me at all even if he weren't ravishing me. "And keep in mind he does carry a gun. You're not bullet-proof." Anymore.


	13. Run Away With Me

**Run Away With Me**

Edward needed to return his rented car (he hadn't trusted his jeep to make it to Washington), but luckily the closest office was in Port Angeles, not Forks, so there was less of a chance of running into someone who knew him. We would meet there and then drive together in my car back to Texas. I would finish out the school year but then instead of going home to Charlie, I would tell him I was spending the summer traveling. And then I would never come back. Maybe I could still talk to him occasionally, but he could never meet Edward again.

Human reflexes and human vulnerability notwithstanding, Edward still drove like a maniac. He beat me to the rental agency easily, and was already finished with the paperwork when I pulled up.

"You ready?" I asked nervously, glancing around the office to make sure there were no familiar faces.

"I was born ready," he responded teasingly, happiness lighting his beautiful eyes. He effortlessly hefted his bag to his shoulder and followed me as a hustled out the door.

"Better let me drive slowpoke. I want to get there before Christmas break," he said leading me around to the passenger side and opening my door. I quickly shove my keys into his hand. Hurry, hurry, hurry. He opened the trunk and tossed his duffel bag in. He put his sunglasses on. He slid smoothly into the driver's seat. Go go go. Just as he leaned out to pull his door shut, a shrill voice cut through the cold air.

"Edward?" the voice trilled. I glanced frantically around. Who was here? Just drive. Drive drive drive.

"Ok, I'm ready, let's go. We need to go, c'mon, could be a storm coming," I babbled. Edward looked at me oddly for a second and then climbed back out of the car, looking around casually for the source of the voice calling his name, probably expecting it to be someone from the rental agency letting him know he had forgotten something. I followed him helplessly out of the car, panic rising to my throat.

"Edward! Bella!" I half-turned to see Jennifer McCall from Forks High hurrying toward us, her high heeled boots slowing her down. I waved dismissively, and pulled Edward back towards the car. "Hey Jennifer, good to see you, sorry we can't stay, we're in a hurry," I yelled over my shoulder.

Edward halted and looked at me in confusion, but not suspicion. He trusted me. "Who is that? How does she know our names?"

"She's a girl I knew in high school. I don't know, I think there's a picture of us on facebook, she must have seen it. Or maybe my dad mentioned it. Come on, we need to go." He let me pull him back toward the vehicle, but I wasn't fast enough.

"Edward!" Jennifer exclaimed breathily, hurrying toward us. "I'm so glad I ran into you, I'm planning a reunion party for Christmas, and there isn't a single picture of you in the yearbook to put in the slide show."

Edward's brow furrowed and he looked quickly back and forth between us. "I think you've mistaken me for someone else—"

" I can't believe you guys are still together. You guys were so cute in high school. Can I take a picture of you now? I can't believe it, Bella Swan and Edward Cullen!"

Oh fuck me. Fuck fuck fuck. As soon as Jennifer said the word 'Cullen' Edward's confusion transformed to anger. He stalked toward me dangerously, menacingly, looking more like a vampire than he ever had, and for the first time since I met him, I was afraid. I opened my mouth to explain, but nothing came out. I involuntarily fell back a step, pressing my back against the car. He loomed over me and grasped both my wrists tightly in his hands.

"Why the _fuck _is she calling me Edward Cullen? _Who_ _are you?_" he hissed, his green eyes boring into me.

"Wait, Edward, I can explain. Yes, we went to high school together, but I couldn't tell you—"

"You knew me in high school? The whole time . . . you've known . . . my memory . . . my name . . ." He was so angry he was shaking and he couldn't form complete sentences.

"Um, well, we actually kind of . . . dated in high school, but you have to listen to me there's a lot more—"

His grip tightened painfully on my wrists and he closed his eyes. "Why would I listen to you?" he whispered. He opened his eyes slightly and I could see the betrayal there. "Stay away from me."

Jennifer was still standing several yards away, her mouth hanging open in shock as she watched our exchange.

"Jennifer," he grated out, releasing me. "Would you mind giving me a ride?"

"Umm, yeah sure," she replied, her eyes darting back and forth between us rapidly, "Where are you going?"

"Forks. I'm going back to Forks."


	14. When I Dream

**When I Dream**

I stood completely still, emptiness pouring through me as I leaned back against the cold metal frame of the car. Hurry hurry pack your bags. Foot heavy on the pedal, speed to Port Angeles. Rush rush get out of the building. And now. Nothing. Awake from the dream and stare into a world of nothing. He would look for answers in Forks, but he wouldn't ask the right questions. I could explain everything, but he would never believe me. Even if he would, I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to remember being a monster. I didn't want him to remember being a killer. And most selfishly-I didn't want him to remember being tired of me and leaving without a backwards glance.

I drove slowly back to Forks and let myself back into the empty house. I sat listlessly in the driver's seat til my teeth were chattering, trying to think of a reason to go inside. I could just keep driving and go back to school. But there wasn't any reason to do that either. I was alone, and my heart was broken, and it was so very familiar. This was even worse, last time Edward had left me at least I could think of him being happy. This time, he was hurting, and it was all my fault. How ironic that he thought himself a monster, when it was me who was the liar, the manipulator, and the villain. I stared down at my throbbing wrists where the pale skin was marred by the purplish bruises left by the tight grasp of his long fingers. I gently traced the outline of the marks, an aching reminder of how I had lied to him, had even dreamed to live a lie with him forever. I wished I could cry, but I just sat there, empty inside like someone had scooped out my entire being .

As it neared dark I finally dragged myself out of the car and popped open the trunk to retrieve my luggage. To my surprise, Edward's bag was there too, he'd left in such a hurry that he'd abandoned all his possessions. My heartbeat involuntarily sped a little at the sight of his duffel. Maybe I would hear from him again. Maybe I could explain. Depending on what kinds of stuff he had left behind, he might even need to call me tonight to arrange to retrieve them. I decided not to further violate his trust by going through his things.

That lasted about three minutes.

I pulled every single item out of his bag, examining each one carefully as though it might hold the key to re-erasing Edward's memory without wiping out his realization that he wanted to be with me. That was a blissful 90 minutes. Maybe there was something here that would help me find him, something that would help me explain myself. His bag was neatly packed and each piece of clothing was meticulously folded. White V-neck undershirts. A stack of crisp boxers. A pack of razors. Dark jeans and black slacks. Then a surprise, a bright turquoise Marlins sweatshirt. I inhaled sharply. It was a gift from me. I'd bought it for him on a whim, teasing him that it would help my dad like him more. He'd put it on right away, looking ridiculously appealingly in a color and style that by design should look good on no one. It was also the first tangible evidence that he was the very same Edward. It had been difficult to accept that he was a vampire when I knew him in Forks, and oddly even harder to believe he was now a human. The sweatshirt was so ordinary, but its significance was striking. It was like dreaming of a visit to the land of Oz, and waking up in a pair of ruby slippers.

The next item out of his bag was even more intriguing. It looked like a journal, and even I was having trouble being desperate enough to violate his privacy that way. But as I set it aside the first page fluttered open and I saw it wasn't a diary, but a sketchbook. I never knew Edward drew, but then again I could easily imagine those long lean fingers had multiple artistic talents. The subject of the drawings, however, was a surprise. Hooded figures with sharp fangs glinting in the moonlight. Pale slender necks, wrists, and thighs torn open by deep gashes. Very interesting. Seems Edward had been holding out on me, and perhaps he remembered a bit more about the details of his past than he had let on. I wondered if Tanya had done anything special to elicit that bite, or if Edward had simply lost control. I wondered if he still enjoyed the taste of blood, or if he had been bewildered to find himself swallowing it. I wondered if I would let him drink mine, if that was something he still wanted.

I thought that I had pulled everything out of the duffel, but as I ran my hand along the cloth interior one more time, I found one last small item. A leather wallet, but usually he carried a funny Velcro one with patches on it. I opened the wallet and found a picture of Edward Cullen, his pale skin and amber eyes clearly still supernatural. This was his other license, his other wallet. His _real _wallet. Besides the license (which listed a California address), there was debit card with the same name, a Hilton hotel key, and a very convincing frequent buyer smoothie punch card with two punches missing. How very thorough he used to be. There wasn't any money in the billfold, but there was a worn folded scrap of paper. I opened it carefully and found there was only one sentence written on it, in an unfamiliar cursive scrawl.

_I feel I must warn you, our friends in Italy are looking for you._

Oh shit, I really needed to find Edward.


	15. Every Move You Make

**Every Move You Make**

I didn't know where Edward might go, as I was still operating under the assumption that he remembered nothing about Forks or his former life. Would he just wander around town waiting to be recognized? Maybe he would look for records at the courthouse. Or,he might decide to start with the police department and ring up Charlie, heaven forbid, but perhaps his lingering fears about his violent past would eliminate that option. I decided to start with Jennifer, since she would at least be able to tell me where she left him.

I got Jennifer's parents' contact information out of the ten year old looking White Pages in Charlie's kitchen, and they happily supplied me with her number. Jennifer didn't sound surprised to hear from me. "I dropped him off at the high school. He was so angry, Bella. I asked him if he needed a ride back, but he said not to wait." She dropped her voice to a whisper, "What happened to him?" How I wished I knew. "I don't know Jennifer," I sighed.

When I got to the school, I went straight to the front office, just like the first time I had come here. Mrs. Cope was typing away at the front desk, just as always. "Bella Swan!" she exclaimed, "Your father didn't mention you were back in town."

"Hi, Mrs. Cope, how have you been?"

"Oh I've been fine sweetheart, this is such a treat. Seeing two of my favorite students in one day."

"Oh?" I asked innocently.

"Yes, you just missed Edward Cullen." Mrs. Cope must be nearing fifty, and looked older with her high neck blouse and bun, but she blushed like a teenager when she said his name. The Edward Cullen effect. "He's turned into quite the charmer," she whispered conspiratorially, no doubt forgetting that he had charmed me into a near suicidal depression the last time she saw me. "It's such a shame he had to move away before graduation."

"So what can I do for you dear?" I didn't think Mrs. Cope would understand why I was stalking Edward, so I had prepared a story. I was just hoping that if we talked long enough she would mention what it was he had wanted from her.

"I'm doing a media project for school studying the evolution of evocative portrait photography and I was hoping I might be able to borrow some old yearbooks."

Mrs. Cope blinked. "Oh! That sounds so . . . interesting. Well I can't lend out the yearbooks, but if you'd like to make some photocopies I can pull out some old editions and you can use the copier right here." Perfect, I could stretch this out as long as I needed to. 

"So did Edward mention how his parents are doing? My dad says the hospital has sure missed Dr. Cullen." I said casually as soon as I was setup on the copier, knowing full well that Edward had no idea how his "parents" were. Or who they were. I thought Edward might have come to the school to try to find out about his parents, and I wondered if Mrs. Cope had sent him on a wild goose chase to L.A.

"Hmm?" she murmured absently, fingers tapping away at her antiquated computer's keyboard. "I don't know dear, he didn't mention."

I decided to try another tack. Maybe he was looking for clues about what he did after high school, trying to pick up the trail that way. "It's nice to be back here, I've gotten too much sun down in Texas. Of course, I guess Edward might feel the same way after being in California. Unless he went to college somewhere else?"

"I'm not sure, we didn't talk about that," Mrs. Cope replied, looking a little dubious about by my overinquisitiveness.

I copied in silence for awhile, trying to think of another conversation opener. This wasn't going anywhere, and I was killing a lot of trees with this yearbook project. I bet it hadn't taken Edward this long to get what he wanted from Mrs. Cope. One flash of his panty-dropping grin and the poor lady probably would have handed over all of her bank accounts, PIN numbers, and secret recipes. "I ran into Jennifer McCall in Port Angeles, she seems to be doing well." I said lamely, just to break quiet.

"Oh yes! I see Jennifer all the time, she is putting together a really great alumni party for your class this Christmas. In fact, Edward is helping her." Really. Nice to know that Edward lied as smoothly as ever. "I would have thought you kids would just be text messaging and talking with each other on Facepage, but Edward wanted to send real invitations in the mail. He has such perfect etiquette," she sighed, practically swooning.

Of course! Edward didn't even know where his house was, and he could hardly claim to have forgotten it without drawing attention. In fact, few people in town knew exactly where the Cullens had lived. He'd come here for his home address.


	16. Breaking and Entering

**Breaking and Entering**

When I get to the Cullen's mansion there is an unfamiliar white Miada parked out front, the engine still clicking as it cools. My heart skips a beat. He's here. Based on the appearance and age of the vehicle, it's not a family car. The Cullen's were not known for economizing. Imagine, perfect Edward Cullen, committing grand theft auto. I'm not surprised he knew how to do it, he was always good at everything, appealingly capable. It's probably Mrs. Cope's car, he used to have a secret grudge against her for her mind leachery. _Yeah Bella, that's what he would remember. An overimaginative school administrator. Not being a vampire. Not living a hundred years. Not you. _

The door of the house is ajar, and it's not hard to track Edward's path. He's yanked open every drawer, ripped the backs off picture frames, overturned several pieces of furniture. He's searching, in a rage. _He's still angry. _He wouldn't hurt me. _Sure about that? _

I follow the trail of destruction up to the second floor, and quietly make my way down the hallway, checking every room along the way. He isn't in the music room, where (probably priceless) instruments are smashed and sheet music is scattered. He isn't in Esme's craft room, and he's left its clutter of half-finished scarves and unpainted ornaments relatively untouched, like he knows what he's looking for isn't here. He isn't in the pristine guest bathroom (a very apt term in this case, since all Cullen bathrooms could really only be considered guest bathrooms). When I get to the library, he's sitting so still in the middle of the destruction that I almost miss him and move on to the next room. He's on his knees next to an overturned bookcase, a pile of old looking paper strewn around him. His beautiful features are as blank as stone. He looks . . . broken.

"Edward," I say quietly, holding up my hands in an unconscious gesture of nonaggression as I move slowly toward him. His eyes move to my face briefly, but he doesn't seem to see. Shaking, he sinks to a fully seated position. "I knew there was something behind the bookcase," he murmurs to himself as though I wasn't there. I move further into the room, my footsteps silenced by the plush carpets. I can see an open safe on the wall where the bookcase used to stand. "I knew the combination," he whispers so low I almost miss it.

I sink to my knees beside him and tentatively stroke his back, trying to calm him. I surreptitiously study the materials lying on the floor, hoping to figure out what he's seen and do some quick damage control. There are birth certificates. Deeds. Old photographs. Journals which seemed to be filled with medical notations. Carlisle had once told me that he'd recorded every detail of Edward and Esme's transformations, in the interest of science, and to distract himself from their suffering. Yearkbooks. How many years had Edward gotten through before shock pushed him into catatonia?

Suddenly Edward twists beneath my touch, grasping me by the shoulders with both hands. "Bella," he rasps, holding tightly to me as though to anchor himself to sanity. "What am I?"

I hang my head, ashamed to know these secrets that I can no longer protect him from. "Edward," I whisper lamely, "It's a long story."

"Please," he implores, gazing beseechingly at me with his dark green eyes, his arms flexing as his grip unconsciously tightens in his desperation. "Tell me what I am. Where did these records come from? Am I Edward Cullen? Am I Edward Masen? Why are there so many birth certificates? How can there be pictures of me from so long ago, at places that don't even exist anymore? How—Why—How-" I interrupt as his train of thought starts to border on his hysteria.

"You aren't twenty-four Edward. You aren't nineteen." I take a deep breath and look straight at him. "You were born in 1901."

His eyes fall closed against the truth. "Bella," he growls. "What. The. Hell. Am. I?"

_Vampire. Say it. Just say it. Vampire. Vampire. Out loud. Vampire._

But I never get the chance to say the word. We're interrupted by three of them bursting into the room.


	17. Take Me Instead

**Take Me Instead**

One moment the hallway was empty, the next instant the door had slammed shut and a group of red-eyed vampires had crossed the thirty feet of plush Oriental rug and surrounded us. Two were half-crouched and slowly circling, but the third stood casually in front, studying Edward and me thoughtfully. He was only a few inches taller than me, and he appeared sophisticated and polite in his dark creased slacks and white button down, his dark auburn hair perfectly coifed, save for his bare feet and bloodied irises. I stepped instinctively in front of Edward as I addressed the leader, hoping my boldness might be mistaken for authority.

"It is only me that you have come for," I intoned, forcing myself to meet the head vampire's calculating gaze. "This _man_ does not know anything. I know why you need me to come with you, and I will do whatever I can to locate the . . . _individual _who brought that knowledge to me." I wish I were a better liar. It was a slim chance, but if the Volturi knew nothing of Edward's transformation, I could hope to convince them that he was a regular human who didn't need to be involved. It was important to them to stay discreet, maybe, just maybe, they would turn him loose rather than risk disappearing him.

"Turning state's evidence are you darling?" the head vampire taunted with a surprising hint of cockney lilt. I returned his stare coolly even as my hands trembled involuntarily.

"I don't owe that leech a thing," I retorted.

"Funny, you struck me as more the 'take me instead' type of damsel. Not that I think either approach is going to save your pretty little _neck," _he replied, leering.

I started slowly for the door, waiting for them to follow. _Leave him here. _The two henchmen stalked a few feet behind me. _Take me instead. _Just before we reached the door, I saw a silver glint out of the corner of my eye - I turned too slowly, just in time to see Edward make a silent grab at the back of the last henchman with a pocketknife in his left hand aimed toward the vampire's pale impenetrable throat.

"No! Don't Edwa—" I exclaimed, clapping both hands over my mouth too late. _Too late. _

Before I could even take a breath, the head vampire was across the room with his venomous teeth poised millimeters from Edward's neck. He halted at my protest. "Edward? _Edward?" _ he questioned, glancing sharply back at me. I stayed silent and struggled to clear my face of emotion. He studied Edward's features, taking in for the first time his resemblance to the vampire he was searching for, a resemblance which was belied by his human form. "No… it's not possible," he muttered to himself.

"What?" I said with what I hoped was a smirk while panic sent all the blood rushing to my head. "I have a type."

"Bella, leave now. I will remain and take care of this situation." Edward commanded, staring steadily back at the vampire and sounding so much like his old, overprotective, invincible arrogant self that I wanted to check his pulse.

The leader shook himself violently from his reverie, further mussing his dark red hair which was already tousled by the speed with which he had crossed the room. "Everyone goes!" he barked, motioning his crew to take us both prisoner. "Quietly," he added. A cold hand covered my mouth, I felt a sharp prick on my arm followed by a burning, and a familiar darkness swallowed me.


	18. Offer Me No Explanation

**Offer Me No Explanation**

When I awoke my mouth was dry and my throat felt as though I'd been swallowing sand for hours. I opened my eyes on a stagger. I glanced around and found myself in a small windowless room with stone walls and a stone floor, perhaps 10 by 14 feet and filled almost completely by the dingy single bed. The thick metal door was closed tightly shut with an ominous air of finality.

Edward was leaning against the far wall, his eyes closed, as still as stone. As though he sensed me studying him, he opened his eyes. He met my eyes without hesitation, but his gaze was detached and distant in a way that made my heart ache. "The group holding us is some kind of cult," he announced. "They believe they are actually _vampires." _I bit my lip and let out a hysterical kind of snort laugh. Edward politely disregarded it. "Now that you are awake, we can overtake them when next they come to leave rations,_" _ he informed me coolly, as though he were suggesting we go for ice cream after dinner. _So calm. _ "They usually only send one person," he continued, standing and crossing to the door in one step. _So competent. _"You will stand near this wall, I will take position behind the door with this wooden board I dislodged from the bedframe. I'll attack from behind. When I say run, you run." _So bossy._

I sighed. "Oh, Edward. That won't work."

He stoically arched one perfect brow, inviting me to continue.

Right. Well. How to explain? "They aren't crazy Edward. Or actually maybe they are. But not because of what they think they are. They are right," I babbled. _Oh just say it. _"You see, they really _are _vampires."

Something flickered in his eyes. Disappointment? Pity? "I understand," he said tonelessly.

I'd been expecting an argument. "You do?" Was he remembering more than he had let on?

"Yes," he replied shortly. "Anyways. I will overpower whichever one they send and you will run for an exit."

"How are you possibly going to overpower a vampire?"

He sighed in exasperation, "I don't know, B-" he halted. He didn't like saying my name, "I don't know. I'll use a stake?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Yeah, wood isn't going to stab through a _vampire._"

He pinched the bridge of his nose and turned sharply away. "Not enough to believe in _vampires._ They can't even follow the usual _rules," _he muttered in frustration.

Oh. He didn't believe me. He thought I was crazy too. He was patronizing me. I'd spent the last six months trying to hide his past from him, but now, he really needed to know it all.

"Listen. You have to believe me. You can't fight them, you won't win and you might get injured. I have the feeling that around here, a paper cut is a death sentence. The Volutri aren't exactly known for their restraint. They are ten times stronger than an ordinary human. The vampires who captured us are very powerful, and very angry with you. They are upset because you revealed …" I took a breath. Best not to overwhelm him. "You revealed one of their secret's to me."

He remained facing away from me. "How would I know their secrets?" he softly queried.

An idea began to form in the back of my mind. "Actually, you might know a lot of things. They don't know you've lost your memory." Hope sprang dangerously in my chest. "Edward, listen quickly. Here's what you have to do."

He sighed as he turned around to face me again, gesturing resignedly for me to continue.


	19. The Prince of Lies

**The Prince of Lies**

We had barely finished the outline of our plan when voices in the doorway halted our voices mid-word. The huge wooden door swung open to reveal two blonde figures, a girl and a boy, who looked no more than fourteen. They could have been middle-schoolers in a church choir, except that their magenta eyes matched their dark robes. I had hoped it would be someone I recognized from Carlisle's paintings, but these two didn't match any of the descriptions I'd given Edward. He would just have to wing it. Hopefully he really didn't know them back when he was a vampire, and they would have no reason to question his memory. The key was to remind the Volturi that Edward had been a powerful mind-reader, and hope that they had enough secrets built up over thousands of years of family intrigue to give us some leverage. I had no illusions about leaving here alive, but I thought that the vampires might feel differently about one of their own. Perhaps they would just turn him back. He could be one of Dr. Seusse's Sneetches, going around and around on a mad vampire/human wheel of reincarnation.

As planned, I kept quiet and let Edward do all of the talking. He stood gracefully to greet our visitors, his confident stride betraying no fear.

"Hello Jane," he said smoothly, nodding his head and gesturing me to proceed him while he held the door. I stared at him open-mouthed._ How did he know her name?_

He returned my gaze calmly, and guided me through the doorway with his hand gently pressing on my lower back. "Edward Cullen," the pale girl replied with a cruel smirk as we walked quickly to a stone tunnel, "What have you gotten yourself into this time? You look terrible." I shivered in the damp hallway. _Who are you, Edward Cullen?_

All too quickly we reached our destination. Three marble white figures sat enthroned on a platform, while a dozen other vampires stood with casual force in front of them. The vampire seated in the center spoke first, the hideous hue of his reddened eyes belied by the warm timbre of his lilting voice.

"Bella, how wonderful of you to come, _mi bel gattina_,*" he trilled, motioning one of the large guards to grab me and pull me closer. Edward stiffened beside me, but made no movement to interfere. "I feel as though we have known each other for simply years, but of course, you don't even know my name," he continued. "My name is Aro."

"No need for introductions, we're not staying," Edward interrupted coolly, setting the guards muttering at his insolence.

Aro, however, didn't look angry at all. He seemed entertained. "Really, Edward, if you wanted to rebel against me you should have done it _before _you ruined yourself with some tragic little spell." _Spell? _I glanced back at Edward. _Was that how he had been changed? _ "Just because I have traded certain physical and _mental _characteristics in return for my humanity, doesn't mean that you have nothing to about which to be concerned." He was walking a razor thin line between threatening Aro with a pretense of knowledge that he did not have, while not irritating him to the point of violence. Aro needed to believe the Edward remembered everything he had learned as a mind reader, and that at least one of those secrets was either very dangerous, or very attractive. The Volturi were not strong on restraint, but I was counting on our novelty extending our lifespan.

Aro paused. "If you are referring to your erstwhile gift, I could stop you long before you muttered a single syllable." He raced across the room in demonstration, easily reaching Edward in the infinitesimally small moment between 'syll' and 'able'. Seemingly unfazed, Edward returned Aro's red-hazed stare coolly, "Won't that cause your _family _to wonder what you are so eager to keep secret?" Aro narrowed his eyes and reached forward to take Edward's hand, to read his mind. One touch and the gag was up, he would see Edward's amnesia in an instant and we would be revealed as utter liars.

"Edward couldn't read my mind," I blurted out, desperate to distract him. From what little Edward had told me of the Volturi, I knew that Aro could read anyone's mind, and the idea of a possible gap in his prescience would disturb him. Aro paused. He smiled condescendingly. "Is that what he told you, to make you feel safe? Come here, I want to see how you uncovered his nature. Edward was once one of my best staff, truly an asset in the field. He is a most talented liar, and quite adverse to recklessness." As he spoke he gestured minutely to the guard holding my arm to bring me closer. Aro clasped one of my hands between his cold palms and I shivered involuntarily. He focused his ruby gaze upon me, then closed his eyes in concentration. After a moment, he tightened his grip on my hand and I winced involuntarily. Edward strode towards us a few steps only to be brought up short by a pair of vampires. Apparently they had forgotten that he was a mere human. "Stop it, Aro, you're hurting her," he demanded, his forearms flexing as he his hands tightened into fists by his side.

Aro opened his eyes and released his hold. Anger flickered briefly across his features before being replaced with a detached curiosity. "I believe it is time to get to the bottom of this entire pathetic little soap opera," he announced. "Bring in the witch!"

_HEA guaranteed. _


	20. All Alone in the Moonlight

**All Alone in the Moonlight**

The eyes of the entire room moved to the door. The granite gates swung slowly open to reveal a tall grey figure with inhuman yellow eyes. I stole a glance at Edward, but he seemed completely back in control of himself, studying the unfolding events with focus and calm, as though our harebrained plan had any hope of working.

"Let me tell you a story," Aro said pleasantly, his clear voice easily carrying throughout the chamber. "I'm guessing you know how it ends, but you probably have some misconceptions about how it started."

"I once had a soldier who was everything I could ask for, and more. Not only could he read minds from a distance, he was very clever. He was inconceivably controlled, and could work near humans. Oddly, he chose to only feed on the repugnant blood of animals, rather than our natural food source, which helped keep him from arousing suspicion while he carried out his work. His asceticism extended even to a refusal of all sexual dalliance. His focus was solely on being left alone and doing his work."

My eyes slid to where Edward was standing, his face pale but his expression unreadable as he listened to Aro's speech. I looked over at the witch, but she didn't seem to be paying attention, she was staring straight up at the ceiling. Were her lips moving? None of the Volturi seemed to notice, confident in their superior physical strength they barely held the chains that bound her.

"Unlike many of my staff, this soldier never asked for anything. He never wanted anything except to be given a task to distract him and to be left alone. In order to give him respite from court life here with the guard, I sent this soldier searching for new vampires to join us. Strong ones. Talented ones. Ones who hadn't even become vampires yet," he said, glancing over at me.

A hurt that I thought had passed feinted at my heart. Edward never mentioned he was part of the Volturi. Was that why he was with me? Was I a recruit?

"Over the years, he sent back the very best to join my guard. He even turned the human ones himself, never made a single mistake, such extraordinary control he had."

"One day, the soldier finally asked for something. He asked for a break. He hadn't sent me anything new in several months, he was in a slump. He wanted to travel, see new landscapes, drain different animals from exotic places I supposed. I readily agreed, trusting that he would return in a few months time as he promised." For the first time a flicker of anger showed in Aro's refined features.

"But he did not return. After many months, I sent someone looking to the last place on his assignment list. He was a valued member of the guard, and I greatly desired to have him back. I thought maybe he had encountered a rogue coven, or crossed paths with one of the children of the moon, perhaps even lost control at last and gone on a rip-roaring blood rampage. Curiousity over my most reliable although not most popular servant abounded within the palace walls, and bets were laid on both sides. But what we found in Forks, well, no one collected on any bets. What we found in Forks was absurd. The people of that godforsaken rain-soaked villa couldn't wait to tell my investigators about it. If it weren't so pathetic, it would have been funny. Level-headed, dour, cold Edward Cullen had fallen in love with teenaged girl. Moreover, while the townfolk wouldn't know exactly how far he had taken things with the human child, it was obvious that they were too close to conceal his secrets. Our secrets. He had betrayed us, and now we needed to find him more than ever. And you as well. But you were easy to find."

I looked over at Edward again, trying to apologize with my eyes. He should have stayed away from me. I had brought him here. Edward met my gaze steadily, sweetly, an enigmatic smile barely pulling up one corner of his mouth. He was finally getting his answers. Over his shoulder, the witch was still muttering. The guards finally seemed to realize she was up to something and started moving toward her.

She looked straight at Aro, let loose a horrible piercing keel, then plunged a knife directly into her chest. Her scream halted abruptly, but the pitch was taken up almost instantly by another voice. Edward's voice.


End file.
